Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2009 15:33:28 GMT -5
www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/unforgotten-realms/49-Episode-One-The-Remaking-of-Heroes
Unforgotten
Realms
Episode One: The Remaking of Heroes
Rob: Um, what are you doing Mike?
Mike: I'm playing Unforgotten Realms. Want to play?
Rob: What the hell's Unforgotten Realms?
Mike: It's a Role-Playing Game, Rob.
Rob: And you're playing it by yourself?
Mike: What? Do you want to play?
Rob: Considering the the Internet is down, the cable is out, my Nintendo is broken, the mall is closed, my bike's wheel is flat, my other friends are on vacation, and that I lost my soccer ball; yeah, I guess I could give it a try.
Mike: Well, the first thing we need to do is make a character.
Rob: Okay, I want to be this one.
Rob points to dragon action figure on the table, used as an enemy.
Mike: Rob, that's a dragon...
Rob: So? I thought this was a Role-Playing Game?
Mike: You can't be a dragon, you idiot! You have to pick a race from this book! How about you be a dwarf?
Rob: A dwarf? What kind of jerk would pick a dwarf? Wink!
Rob takes the book and opens it.
Mike: Okay, the next thing you have to do is pick a class.
Rob: Okay, I pick Gym. No, wait! History! Which one has fewer push-ups?
Mike: Character class, you idiot!!
Rob: Oh, okay. Then I'll be a Lumberjack!
Mike: Lumberjack isn't a class, moron!
Rob: Damn! Well it should be! Who else is going to wrestle a bear who breaks into your house and tries to steal your wife, Mike? Huh? Huh? Who? A bard? A barbarian? I don't think so! A Lumberjack!
Mike: Look, you can pick any of the classes in this book.
Rob: Okay, then I pick Lumberjack!
Mike: I just told you that Lumberjack isn't a class!
Rob: That's not what it says here, Mike.
Rob lifts up the book as Mike realizes Rob scribbled in it with a red marker. A bulky drawing of a man titled Lumberjack, and written everywhere is "MIKE IS G4Y LOL LOL"
Mike: Thanks for writing in my Limited Edition book, jerk face! God! Why don't you just be a sorcerer?
Rob: Sorcerer? What kind of jerk would pick sorcerer? Wink!
Mike: Alright, while I roll your stats you draw your character in this box.
Points to upper right side of page.
Rob: What? I can't draw!
Mike God! Idiot! It doesn't have to be perfect! Just draw what your character looks like.
Rob: Done.
Mike sees a man in blue armor with dual nun-chucks, and has a bush on his face.
Mike: What the hell is that?
Rob: That's me.
Mike: What's that on your face?
Rob: Oh, well I was trying to think of the best sorcerer of all time, so I thought of Abraham Lincoln. So I based my character off good old Abe.
Mike: Wow... Bypassing the obvious question in rebuttal, you can't wield nun-chucks as a sorcerer.
Rob: What? Why not?
Mike: You won't have the Exotic Weapon Feat, so you'll roll a negative four on all your attacks.
Rob: Okay, but I can still use them, right?
Mike: Yes, but you won't be able to hit anything...
Rob: Okay, but I will die looking like a totally awesome ninja Abraham Lincoln though, right?
Mike: ...Why am I even playing with you?
Rob: You lack friends.
Mike: You are an asshole.
Rob: If by asshole you mean dual-nun-chuck wielding Abraham Lincoln, then I concur.
Mike: Now you need to pick a name. This should be good...
Rob: Okay, how 'bout Rob.
Mike: Wow, Rob! Very clever! Just... Wow...
Rob: Fine, fine. Then I'll go with SIR SCHMOOPY OF AWESOME TON![/b][/u]
Mike: Oh, god! Whatever, fine. Let's just get this train wreck moving.
Rob: Okay, I get off the train...
Mike: No you idiot! Jesus...!!! Okay, you and your companion, Eluamous Nailo--
Rob: Wait wait wait wait wait. Who the hell's this guy?
Eluamous: That's me you idiot!
Schmoopy: Wait, so you're playing both the good guys, and the bad guys?
Eluamous: Yes because I don't think you're smart enough to travel by yourself.
Schmoopy: I have got an intelligence of...
Rob picks up his character sheet and tries to find his intelligence.
Schmoopy: ... 12 dick face, what's yours?
Eluamous: That's not even what I meant, moron.
Schmoopy: Victory by forfeit!
Eluamous: Can I continue now?
Schmoopy: Wait a second, you were making fun of my character when yours looks like this?
Eluamous is dressed in a red-hooded cloak with yellow flames on the hood and on the hanging bottom, with an orange cape.
Eluamous: What's wrong with my wizard?
Schmoopy: Dude, you totally don't have a Monocle!
Eluamous: Um, what?
Schmoopy: It's a well known fact that all wizards wear monocles.
Mike: Just... shut up! Okay, so ignoring you for three seconds, Sir Schmoopy and Nailo have left the town of Awesometon in search for a special herb to cure Schmoopy's dieing grandmother.
Schmoopy: What? My grandma is fine, idiot.
Eluamous: Make believe Rob, make believe!
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for traps!
Eluamous: What? You aren't anywhere important yet! Why are you searching for traps?
Rob rolls twenty-sided die.
Rob: Hah! I rolled a twenty!
Eluamous: Fine, you see no traps.
Schmoopy: But I rolled a twenty! That means I should see all the traps!
Eluamous: YOU DO!!! YOU SEE ALL ZERO TRAPS!!!
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for hidden walls!
Eluamous: YOU ARE STANDING OUTSIDE, THERE ARE NO HIDDEN WALLS!!!!!
Schmoopy: That's because they're hidden, jackass.
Eluamous: GOD, FINE!!! YOU FIND NO HIDDEN WALLS!!! Now can I continue the story!?
Schmoopy: Well how do you even know? I didn't roll.
Mike: Shut up!! Okay, our heroes have come to the kingdom of Cotswell. They can see many villagers as well as they can identify one of the buildings to be an Inn, and another as a local smith. Eluamous tells Schmoopy that they should visit the king of this town to ask if he will aid us to save Schmoopy's dieing grandmother.
Schmoopy: Dude, how could she be dieing? She's sitting over there!
Schmoopy's grandmother is in a wheelchair with a radar behind her, showing her heartbeat.
Schmoopy's Grandmother: Search for traps... p-pooky.
Schmoopy: I already did, grandma.
Eluamous: Idiot! Can you make believe for three seconds that your grandma is sick?
Schmoopy: Hey, is that a tavern?
Eluamous: Um, no. That is a cow...
Cow moos.
Schmoopy: No, I'm pretty sure that's a tavern, Mike.
Eluamous: It's not a tavern.
Schmoopy: Mike, can you believe for three seconds that that cow is a tavern?
Eluamous: God, fine. Sir Schmoopy enters the tavern.
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for traps!
Eluamous: ARE YOU GOING TO SEARCH FOR TRAPS EVERYWHERE WE GO???
Schmoopy: That's what us we lumberjacks are known for. Wresting bears and... s-searching for traps.
Eluamous: You're not a Lumberjack!!
Schmoopy's Grandmother: Search for invisible traps pooky.
Schmoopy: Good call, grandma!
Mike: Schmoopy searches the room. And instead of TRAPS, he sees a wizard, a rouge and a young lady.
Rob: Like how young? 12 or 21? Oh wait, I'll just roll some dice... 17! Good enough! Okay, is the lady cute?
Mike: Sure, whatever!
Rob: Can I ask her to sleep with me?
Mike: Wow, fine! But you have to do a charisma check first.
Rob rolls the dice and gets nineteen. His modifier consists of four. He needs 20 to pass.
Rob: Nineteen plus four, that means I score!
Mike: Unfortunately, I mistake the lady for a guy!
Schmoopy: What!? You total fag! I'm not sleeping with a guy!
Mike: Too late, you already did!
Rob: What!? But that was five seconds ago!
Mike: Yeah, he wasn't too impressed!
Rob: I knew that low stamina score would come to bite me in the ass later!
Mike: Eluamous comes into the bar to speak to the... WHY DOES THE WIZARD HAVE A MONOCLE!?!?!?
Rob: Told you.
Mike: You can't just add things when I'm DMing, jerk!
Rob: Okay, could we just, like, get our quest or whatever we're doing in this town again?
Mike: Nailo asks the wizard if he knows about the type of magical herb our heroes are searching for.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. You can find such an herb in the town of Moonwell Pass.
Mike: I'm DMing, Rob. You can't play the parts of the NPC's.
Rob: So what? I'm just suppose to sit here and watch you talk to yourself? Did I role-play anything bad?
Mike: Well, no, not really...
Rob: Then shut up and continue!
Mike: Fine. Eluamous asks the wizard how one can get to such a place.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. You can find such an herb in the town of Moonwell Pass.
Mike: What? You already said that.
Rob: Yeah?
Mike: You can't just repeat what the wizard says, asshole!
Rob: He's an NPC right?
Mike: So!?
Rob: Then I'm just being realistic here.
Mike: God, idiot! You can say more than one thing!
Rob: Fine.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. The town can only be found by the ones who inhabit it.
Eluamous: Hmm... A riddle, huh? I like it!
Wizard/Rob: One more thing, my lad. Why isn't your friend wearing a monocle?
Schmoopy: Because he's not really a wizard, he's a Lumberjack.
Wizard/Rob: What? Lumberjack isn't a class, my boy.
Schmoopy: Yeah it is! Here, look!
Schmoopy shows Wizard Limited Edition book, scribbled in with marker.
Wizard/Rob: Oh, well fancy that! By the way, nice nun chucks!
Schmoopy: Oh, why thank you! I crafted them myself. Finest in--
Eluamous got so frustrated that he threw a fireball at Schmoopy.
Eluamous: Argh!!
Schmoopy: Whoa!
Schmoopy dodged the fireball and it hit the rouge behind him, lighting him on fire killing him.
Rouge: Ah!!
Eluamous: Whoops...
Schmoopy: Don't worry, Mike. I'm sure there will be no serious repercussions due to your rash accidents.
They were in court. Wizard as witness.
Judge: Guilty!
Eluamous: Rats...
Judge: I hereby declare that these rowdy band of Lumberjacks be hanged at dawn!
Eluamous: God, we're not Lumberjacks!
Judge: Silence you out-of-control Lumberjack!
Eluamous: I'm a wizard, you idiot. Lumberjack isn't even a class!
Judge: Then how do you explain this?
On a pedestal lies the Limited Edition book with the scribblings of a Lumberjack class Rob drew earlier.
Schmoopy: The judge makes an excellent point, Mike.
Eluamous: I hate you so much.
Will our heroes be able to escape before they are hanged? Will Mike ever be reimbursed for the permanent ink used in his book?
Schmoopy: No.
Will Schmoopy ever be able to save his dieing grandmother? Find out next time on Unforgotten--
Schmoopy's grandmother's heartbeat radar stop beeping and there is only silence.
Unforgotten
Realms
Episode One: The Remaking of Heroes
Rob: Um, what are you doing Mike?
Mike: I'm playing Unforgotten Realms. Want to play?
Rob: What the hell's Unforgotten Realms?
Mike: It's a Role-Playing Game, Rob.
Rob: And you're playing it by yourself?
Mike: What? Do you want to play?
Rob: Considering the the Internet is down, the cable is out, my Nintendo is broken, the mall is closed, my bike's wheel is flat, my other friends are on vacation, and that I lost my soccer ball; yeah, I guess I could give it a try.
Mike: Well, the first thing we need to do is make a character.
Rob: Okay, I want to be this one.
Rob points to dragon action figure on the table, used as an enemy.
Mike: Rob, that's a dragon...
Rob: So? I thought this was a Role-Playing Game?
Mike: You can't be a dragon, you idiot! You have to pick a race from this book! How about you be a dwarf?
Rob: A dwarf? What kind of jerk would pick a dwarf? Wink!
Rob takes the book and opens it.
Mike: Okay, the next thing you have to do is pick a class.
Rob: Okay, I pick Gym. No, wait! History! Which one has fewer push-ups?
Mike: Character class, you idiot!!
Rob: Oh, okay. Then I'll be a Lumberjack!
Mike: Lumberjack isn't a class, moron!
Rob: Damn! Well it should be! Who else is going to wrestle a bear who breaks into your house and tries to steal your wife, Mike? Huh? Huh? Who? A bard? A barbarian? I don't think so! A Lumberjack!
Mike: Look, you can pick any of the classes in this book.
Rob: Okay, then I pick Lumberjack!
Mike: I just told you that Lumberjack isn't a class!
Rob: That's not what it says here, Mike.
Rob lifts up the book as Mike realizes Rob scribbled in it with a red marker. A bulky drawing of a man titled Lumberjack, and written everywhere is "MIKE IS G4Y LOL LOL"
Mike: Thanks for writing in my Limited Edition book, jerk face! God! Why don't you just be a sorcerer?
Rob: Sorcerer? What kind of jerk would pick sorcerer? Wink!
Mike: Alright, while I roll your stats you draw your character in this box.
Points to upper right side of page.
Rob: What? I can't draw!
Mike God! Idiot! It doesn't have to be perfect! Just draw what your character looks like.
Rob: Done.
Mike sees a man in blue armor with dual nun-chucks, and has a bush on his face.
Mike: What the hell is that?
Rob: That's me.
Mike: What's that on your face?
Rob: Oh, well I was trying to think of the best sorcerer of all time, so I thought of Abraham Lincoln. So I based my character off good old Abe.
Mike: Wow... Bypassing the obvious question in rebuttal, you can't wield nun-chucks as a sorcerer.
Rob: What? Why not?
Mike: You won't have the Exotic Weapon Feat, so you'll roll a negative four on all your attacks.
Rob: Okay, but I can still use them, right?
Mike: Yes, but you won't be able to hit anything...
Rob: Okay, but I will die looking like a totally awesome ninja Abraham Lincoln though, right?
Mike: ...Why am I even playing with you?
Rob: You lack friends.
Mike: You are an asshole.
Rob: If by asshole you mean dual-nun-chuck wielding Abraham Lincoln, then I concur.
Mike: Now you need to pick a name. This should be good...
Rob: Okay, how 'bout Rob.
Mike: Wow, Rob! Very clever! Just... Wow...
Rob: Fine, fine. Then I'll go with SIR SCHMOOPY OF AWESOME TON![/b][/u]
Mike: Oh, god! Whatever, fine. Let's just get this train wreck moving.
Rob: Okay, I get off the train...
Mike: No you idiot! Jesus...!!! Okay, you and your companion, Eluamous Nailo--
Rob: Wait wait wait wait wait. Who the hell's this guy?
Eluamous: That's me you idiot!
Schmoopy: Wait, so you're playing both the good guys, and the bad guys?
Eluamous: Yes because I don't think you're smart enough to travel by yourself.
Schmoopy: I have got an intelligence of...
Rob picks up his character sheet and tries to find his intelligence.
Schmoopy: ... 12 dick face, what's yours?
Eluamous: That's not even what I meant, moron.
Schmoopy: Victory by forfeit!
Eluamous: Can I continue now?
Schmoopy: Wait a second, you were making fun of my character when yours looks like this?
Eluamous is dressed in a red-hooded cloak with yellow flames on the hood and on the hanging bottom, with an orange cape.
Eluamous: What's wrong with my wizard?
Schmoopy: Dude, you totally don't have a Monocle!
Eluamous: Um, what?
Schmoopy: It's a well known fact that all wizards wear monocles.
Mike: Just... shut up! Okay, so ignoring you for three seconds, Sir Schmoopy and Nailo have left the town of Awesometon in search for a special herb to cure Schmoopy's dieing grandmother.
Schmoopy: What? My grandma is fine, idiot.
Eluamous: Make believe Rob, make believe!
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for traps!
Eluamous: What? You aren't anywhere important yet! Why are you searching for traps?
Rob rolls twenty-sided die.
Rob: Hah! I rolled a twenty!
Eluamous: Fine, you see no traps.
Schmoopy: But I rolled a twenty! That means I should see all the traps!
Eluamous: YOU DO!!! YOU SEE ALL ZERO TRAPS!!!
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for hidden walls!
Eluamous: YOU ARE STANDING OUTSIDE, THERE ARE NO HIDDEN WALLS!!!!!
Schmoopy: That's because they're hidden, jackass.
Eluamous: GOD, FINE!!! YOU FIND NO HIDDEN WALLS!!! Now can I continue the story!?
Schmoopy: Well how do you even know? I didn't roll.
Mike: Shut up!! Okay, our heroes have come to the kingdom of Cotswell. They can see many villagers as well as they can identify one of the buildings to be an Inn, and another as a local smith. Eluamous tells Schmoopy that they should visit the king of this town to ask if he will aid us to save Schmoopy's dieing grandmother.
Schmoopy: Dude, how could she be dieing? She's sitting over there!
Schmoopy's grandmother is in a wheelchair with a radar behind her, showing her heartbeat.
Schmoopy's Grandmother: Search for traps... p-pooky.
Schmoopy: I already did, grandma.
Eluamous: Idiot! Can you make believe for three seconds that your grandma is sick?
Schmoopy: Hey, is that a tavern?
Eluamous: Um, no. That is a cow...
Cow moos.
Schmoopy: No, I'm pretty sure that's a tavern, Mike.
Eluamous: It's not a tavern.
Schmoopy: Mike, can you believe for three seconds that that cow is a tavern?
Eluamous: God, fine. Sir Schmoopy enters the tavern.
Schmoopy: Okay, I search for traps!
Eluamous: ARE YOU GOING TO SEARCH FOR TRAPS EVERYWHERE WE GO???
Schmoopy: That's what us we lumberjacks are known for. Wresting bears and... s-searching for traps.
Eluamous: You're not a Lumberjack!!
Schmoopy's Grandmother: Search for invisible traps pooky.
Schmoopy: Good call, grandma!
Mike: Schmoopy searches the room. And instead of TRAPS, he sees a wizard, a rouge and a young lady.
Rob: Like how young? 12 or 21? Oh wait, I'll just roll some dice... 17! Good enough! Okay, is the lady cute?
Mike: Sure, whatever!
Rob: Can I ask her to sleep with me?
Mike: Wow, fine! But you have to do a charisma check first.
Rob rolls the dice and gets nineteen. His modifier consists of four. He needs 20 to pass.
Rob: Nineteen plus four, that means I score!
Mike: Unfortunately, I mistake the lady for a guy!
Schmoopy: What!? You total fag! I'm not sleeping with a guy!
Mike: Too late, you already did!
Rob: What!? But that was five seconds ago!
Mike: Yeah, he wasn't too impressed!
Rob: I knew that low stamina score would come to bite me in the ass later!
Mike: Eluamous comes into the bar to speak to the... WHY DOES THE WIZARD HAVE A MONOCLE!?!?!?
Rob: Told you.
Mike: You can't just add things when I'm DMing, jerk!
Rob: Okay, could we just, like, get our quest or whatever we're doing in this town again?
Mike: Nailo asks the wizard if he knows about the type of magical herb our heroes are searching for.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. You can find such an herb in the town of Moonwell Pass.
Mike: I'm DMing, Rob. You can't play the parts of the NPC's.
Rob: So what? I'm just suppose to sit here and watch you talk to yourself? Did I role-play anything bad?
Mike: Well, no, not really...
Rob: Then shut up and continue!
Mike: Fine. Eluamous asks the wizard how one can get to such a place.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. You can find such an herb in the town of Moonwell Pass.
Mike: What? You already said that.
Rob: Yeah?
Mike: You can't just repeat what the wizard says, asshole!
Rob: He's an NPC right?
Mike: So!?
Rob: Then I'm just being realistic here.
Mike: God, idiot! You can say more than one thing!
Rob: Fine.
Wizard/Rob: Well of course, my lad. The town can only be found by the ones who inhabit it.
Eluamous: Hmm... A riddle, huh? I like it!
Wizard/Rob: One more thing, my lad. Why isn't your friend wearing a monocle?
Schmoopy: Because he's not really a wizard, he's a Lumberjack.
Wizard/Rob: What? Lumberjack isn't a class, my boy.
Schmoopy: Yeah it is! Here, look!
Schmoopy shows Wizard Limited Edition book, scribbled in with marker.
Wizard/Rob: Oh, well fancy that! By the way, nice nun chucks!
Schmoopy: Oh, why thank you! I crafted them myself. Finest in--
Eluamous got so frustrated that he threw a fireball at Schmoopy.
Eluamous: Argh!!
Schmoopy: Whoa!
Schmoopy dodged the fireball and it hit the rouge behind him, lighting him on fire killing him.
Rouge: Ah!!
Eluamous: Whoops...
Schmoopy: Don't worry, Mike. I'm sure there will be no serious repercussions due to your rash accidents.
They were in court. Wizard as witness.
Judge: Guilty!
Eluamous: Rats...
Judge: I hereby declare that these rowdy band of Lumberjacks be hanged at dawn!
Eluamous: God, we're not Lumberjacks!
Judge: Silence you out-of-control Lumberjack!
Eluamous: I'm a wizard, you idiot. Lumberjack isn't even a class!
Judge: Then how do you explain this?
On a pedestal lies the Limited Edition book with the scribblings of a Lumberjack class Rob drew earlier.
Schmoopy: The judge makes an excellent point, Mike.
Eluamous: I hate you so much.
Will our heroes be able to escape before they are hanged? Will Mike ever be reimbursed for the permanent ink used in his book?
Schmoopy: No.
Will Schmoopy ever be able to save his dieing grandmother? Find out next time on Unforgotten--
Schmoopy's grandmother's heartbeat radar stop beeping and there is only silence.